Why Doesn't She Just Leave?
Some victims stay with their abusive partners despite the violence or decide to return to them after a separation. Loved ones and professionals can find this difficult to understand, as they believe that the abusive relationship should end immediately.
Obstacles and fears
Leaving a violent partner can be very difficult, especially when children are involved. Why? Because victims and their children are also exposed to danger during the period of separation.
It can take 7 or 8 attempts before victims can manage to leave an abusive relationship for good.
Here are some reasons that may lead a victim of conjugal violence to stay in the relationship:
- Hope that she can change her partner and that the relationship will return to the loving one it was at the beginning.
- Doubts about her share of responsibility for the violence she suffers.
- Lack of money or financial dependence caused by coercive control.
- Threats to her physical safety or that of her children and extended family.
- Reduced self-esteem and self-confidence.
- Fear of losing custody of her children or being unable to protect them in the case of a separation.
- Fear of being judged or abandoned by those close to her and her network.
- Physical and financial dependence, for example, in the case of a woman with a disability or diminished autonomy.
- Immigration status linked to that of her partner.
- Lack of knowledge of rights and recourses in Canada.
- Inability to imagine disobeying her partner.
- Negative judgment about divorce, both for her and her family.
- Etc.
Supporting victims
To support a woman trapped in an abusive relationship, tell her you'll be there for her whether she decides to stay or leave. By maintaining a bond of trust with her, you can help her to get the support she needs.
To learn more about the best way to support a victim, refer to What to Say and Do to Support a Victim.
You know, I still find it hard to answer the famous question: ‘But why did you stay?.’ It's so subtle, it undermines you little by little. You don't realize what's going on while you're in an abusive relationship. I knew my partner was impulsive and angry, but I found good reasons for him to act the way he did. And since things were sometimes good, I was hopeful the situation would get better, that things would turn around.
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