What to Say and Do to Support A Victim
Conjugal violence is a complex and unacceptable problem. Solving it is a societal project that concerns us all.
It is crucial to report conjugal violence and to take action, individually and collectively.
If you think a colleague, friend, neighbour, or family member is trapped in a dynamic of conjugal violence and you're worried or concerned about them:
- Contact a women's shelter;
- Counsellors are always available to listen, assess the situation, and offer guidance.
If you witness a violent incident, wherever it takes place, and you believe that the situation represents a serious and immediate danger to the person concerned:
- Immediately call the police.
To be avoided
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DO NOT recommend couple therapy or mediation When faced with a situation of conjugal violence, do NOT encourage both partners to:
These recommendations send two false messages to the victim: 1) that she is on equal footing with the perpetrator and 2) that the perpetrator is trying to find a solution. In reality, the victim faces a person unprepared to negotiate. |
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The victim sometimes reacts with anger and even aggression to the violent partner's actions. She is trying to assert her rights and defend herself. This is known as defensive aggression and can lead to the mistaken impression that both partners are violent. |
How to provide assistance?
It's normal to feel unsure about what to say when faced with a victim of conjugal violence. It can be hard to know how to respond to her distress, hesitations, and feelings of helplessness.
A few simple phrases and an open-minded approach can make all the difference for a victim. Maintaining contact and encouraging her to continue talking about what she is experiencing or has experienced are all essential ways to support her.
Your reaction can make all the difference!
Helpful attitudes to support the victim
- Try to understand more about her fears, doubts, guilt, or shame. Don't blame or judge her.
- Help her to express her feelings by validating and accepting her reactions, emotions, and sensations as normal.
- Listen with empathy, free of judgment.
- Break her isolation and maintain contact with her, even if the perpetrator does everything possible to isolate her.
- Discuss her perceptions of the situation. Refrain from criticizing the perpetrator.
- At all times, respect her choices and pace. Give her time to make her own decisions.
- Stay focused on her without ever making decisions for her.
- Provide her with information and help her find resources if she asks.
A few key phrases to validate the victim's experience and help her feel more secure
- "I believe you. You did the right thing in telling me."
- "When he commits violence, he hasn't lost control; he is taking control."
- "Violence is unacceptable. You are not responsible."
- "It's physically and mentally exhausting to live under such stress."
- "No matter what the situation, your partner shouldn't have acted that way toward you."
- "It's normal to have believed in your partner's goodwill. It's also normal to have hoped that things would improve."
- "It's a complex situation, and I can see why it's hard for you to make sense of it."
- "Do you have people to support you? There are resources to help you if you feel you need it."
- "Would you like us to call a shelter together? The counsellors there will listen and support you whether or not you choose to leave your partner."
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