Identifying the Primary Aggressor 

Sometimes, a woman who is the victim of coercive control reacts with anger or aggression to the actions of her abusive (ex-)partner. In general, this is a way of asserting her rights or defending herself. It is known as defensive aggression. This can lead to the mistaken impression that both partners are violent. Many victims in this situation will say that they have also been violent.  

Abusive partners can use these defensive reactions to accuse the victim of attacking them. For example, the abusive partner may be the first to call the police. He may also file a complaint in response to the victim's complaint. This is known as a "cross-complaint."  

Here are a few guidelines and questions to help you understand who the primary aggressor is¹:

• Who is seeking to control, isolate and deprive the other partner of their freedom? The primary aggressor sees it as his right to subdue his partner and demand that she fulfill his every desire.  
• Who makes the rules? For example, who decides on the choice of friends, clothing and appearance, what kind of sex to have and how often, what to eat, what to buy, and the social activities?  
• Which person is seeking to isolate the other socially?  
• Who manipulates others (children, relatives, acquaintances and friends) into turning against their partner?
• Which person accords themselves all the power and rights and expects the other to fall in line? For example, having sex or cooking favourite dishes on demand, controlling the family's finances.  
• Who has been hurt, frightened or intimidated by the other's acts of violence and abuse?
• Which person fears the other? We are referring to an ongoing fear that causes psychological or physical distress or harm to the victim.  

¹ Drawn from “Determining the Predominant Aggressor,” Stop Violence Against Women, The Advocates for Human Rights, USA, 2018 [https://www.stopvaw.org/determining_the_predominant_aggressor]

In the presence of defensive violence on the part of the victim, it is essential to:

• continue to recognize her as a victim;
• acknowledge the legitimacy of her indignation and anger at her partner's unacceptable violence;
• not condone her defensive reactions, which could endanger her or land her in court.  

Therefore, it is crucial to identify the primary aggressor. This prevents placing the woman in an even more powerless situation and helps avoid reinforcing the aggressor's belief that he is "above the law."

Refer the woman to resources, such as shelters, that can inform her of her rights.