Coercive Control or Couple’s Quarrel?
Quarrels may arise in a non-abusive relationship, whereby each partner makes concessions and compromises. Both people are free to make their choices and defend their points of view without fear. They don't feel obliged to comply with each other's desires.
Violent relationship
In an abusive relationship, decisions made by a dominant partner become ‘’rules’’. If the victim breaks these rules, she is subjected to serious repercussions. The two individuals involved in this type of relationship are not equals. The perpetrator always blames his partner, he never acknowledges his responsibility, and he often justifies himself by denying or downplaying what he has done. Conversely, the victim is not free to react when a quarrel arises, and if she tries to assert herself, she suffers consequences.
It's not a dynamic between two people, but, rather, one person controlling everything
Three questions to distinguish coercive control from couple's quarrel
It is important to consider the intention behind the quarrel. Is one partner trying to make a point and convince the other? Or is there a desire to dominate and exert power over her? Here are three questions to help you distinguish a couple’s quarrel from the dynamics of conjugal violence:
- Is there a pattern of behaviour (repetitive or cumulative behaviours)?
For example, a set of behaviours on the part of one partner, such as surveillance, rules imposed on daily life, economic control, blame, threats, harassment, etc. - Does the victim change her habits and choices due to this pattern of behaviour?
For example, the victim stops seeing her family and friends, changes the way she dresses or eats, changes her behaviour in the presence of her partner, etc. - Does the victim fear the consequences of this pattern?
For example, fear of reprisals, fear for her physical safety, for her own life, or that of her children and loved ones, etc.
If you answer YES to these three questions, you are looking at a situation of conjugal violence.
For more information
- "Et si c’était de la violence conjugale?" [English version to come shortly] -- This tool provides guidelines for differentiating between conjugal violence and couple’s quarrel. It also offers advice on how to support a victim.
- " This Isn’t Love — This Is Control" -- This tool provides information on coercive control, its manifestations, and its consequences. It helps victims to understand their situation more clearly and to take steps if they so wish.
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