Children: Co-victims of Coercive Control

Children are not just exposed to the violent parent's behaviour; they are often manipulated by this parent, growing up in a climate of tension. They don’t need to directly witness coercive control to suffer its consequences. The arbitrary rules and the environment of stress and fear imposed on the family affect their well-being and development.

For example, children may be:

• Forced to obey groundless rules aimed at controlling their movements; may be forbidden to see friends, cousins or grandparents; forced to remain quiet or keep the house unreasonably clean;
• Forced to monitor their mother and report back to him what she's doing;
• Forced to participate in conversations used to criticize their mother. 

The perpetrator may seek to damage the mother-child relationship, even after separation, by:  

• Accusing the mother of "breaking up" the family.  
• Criticizing the way the mother raises her children.
• Belittling the mother in front of the children and trying to turn the children against her, which results in the children unjustifiably rejecting her or being estranged from her.
• Threatening to prevent the mother from seeing her children.
• Refusing to share important information about the children.
• Encouraging the children to position themselves against their mother and keep an eye on her.
• Increasing the number of legal procedures, particularly concerning child custody, to undermine the mother.
• Not respecting agreements regarding parenting time.

An (ex-)partner can prevent a mother from doing what she thinks is best for her children. The mother may then find it difficult:  

• To take care of her children, breastfeed, buy clothes, console them, help them with their homework, etc.;
• To listen to her children and to be patient and available to them because her partner is monopolizing her attention, preventing her from sleeping or eating;
• To assume her role as a mother because she is constantly belittled and criticized for how she looks after her children.  

Conjugal violence affects children in terms of their safety, even leading to death for some of them. Filicide (or infanticide) is the murder of a child by a parent, legal guardian or step-parent.  

Many children are also victims of other criminal acts in the context of conjugal violence. Children whose mothers have been victims of femicide (the murder of a woman for no other reason than that she is a woman) experience destructive consequences such as grief for the protective parent, removal from the family home, change of environment, mental and physical health problems, feelings of guilt, etc. (INSPQ, 2023). 

• Children are not merely witnesses—they live and suffer the consequences of coercive control.
• Children are often manipulated by abusive partners in order to harass or distress the mother. This manipulation continues and can intensify after the separation.
• Protecting the mother is protecting the child. 

INSPQ. (2023). Homicides familiaux. Consult here. [in French only]

Ministère de la Sécurité publique. (2022). Portrait des homicides familiaux de 2011 à 2020.  [in French only]